Yesterday

Today The Hubster celebrates his 41st birthday. To commemorate the occasion I wrote him a little story centered around our first meeting on Facebook and tagged him in it. You can see it below.

I posted this video along with it. 

That song perfectly sums up our relationship. I'd marry him yesterday, today, and tomorrow. No hesitation, no doubts. Now we sound like newlyweds, huh? Nah. We've been together for just shy of 17 years now. Pretty much conjoined twins from our first date to the present. Has it always been easy? Umm....NO! I can't tell you the number of times that it would have been easier to throw in the towel and call it quits, rather than fix what was broken. The Hubster and I don't think like that, though. We're fixers. We got married determined to grow old and gray together. It'd be kind of stupid to throw all of that away just because you're both too stubborn to work on yourselves.

ANYWHO....I'm off track here. Writing that little story for him has made me wax poetic about the passage of time in our lives. Whether we're on this earth for a second or a century it's still just a blink of the eye. You see, to me, it feels like just yesterday that he barked out the order for my phone number. When I look at his face, now starting to show the lines of aging, I can still see the smooth skin, crooked grin, and dimples that are forever stamped on my heart from our first meeting. I still feel like the young girl who repainted her nails 4 times the day of our first date, because I couldn't decide on which color I wanted.

Just yesterday I was wrapping our youngest son up in his hooded towel after his bath, heading to his room to get him diapered and dressed. We had a ritual, you see. As he was getting lotioned and powdered we'd sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes". Then, as soon as he was dressed, we'd sing "Ten Little Indians" on his itty-bitty fingers. A quick brushing of his sweet smelling hair and it was off to the recliner to read Please Try To Remember the First of Octember, which was always sure to get a giggle. 

That sweet little baby will officially be a teenager in 2 short months. He's spent his day evenly divided between playing PS3 and taking care of me, as I'm down for the count with a bad cold that's trying its best to turn into bronchitis. He made me a bagel and bacon for breakfast. He's brought me glass after glass of ice water. Heated up some leftover chili for my lunch. It seems so unbelievable that he's already almost grown, that our time as parents is almost over.

See what I mean? Yesterday is just chock full of things that just happened...even if the reality is that they happened almost two decades ago. That's how fast it passes. You blink and it's over. I guess I could allow myself to feel maudlin about it. I'd rather feel anticipatory, though. I'd rather look forward to the next blink...the next breath...the next yesterday, because I have a feeling they're going to be just as special as today's yesterday is!

Fare Thee Well, Mr. Fuzz E. Blanket (2000-2012)

Fuzz E. Blanket

Today shall live in infamy within our little family. Fuzz E. Blanket has been placed in storage. Fuzz E. has been an important part of our lives since February 27, 2000.

A gift from Papaw Warren given on Christmas Day, 1999, Fuzz E. Blanket was our youngest kiddo's first gift. He was thick, warm, vibrant, and fuzzy. Filled with the promise of protection of all sorts of things: from cold and snow to monsters and boo-boos. 

Our first hint as to how important Fuzz E. would become in our lives was when he covered the infant carrier on the frigid walk from the hospital doors to the warm car, as The Hubster and I left for home with our new bundle of joy. In the almost thirteen years that have passed he has seen Kiddo through nightmares too numerous to list, time outs that were always most unjust, and playground face plants that left behind blood and tears. Most recently, Fuzz E. was instrumental in seeing Kiddo successfully through a series of sleep studies, two naso-pharyngeal endoscopy, a tonsilectomy, and (what we like to call The Final Battle) a trip to Cincinnati for a Pharyngeal Flap Augmentation.

One Last Cuddle!

Early this morning, upon removing bedding for washing, it was discovered that Fuzz E. Blanket was missing. An extensive search showed him to be well hidden between the headboard and wall of Kiddo's bed, near the floor. It was obvious that Fuzz E. had been in this state for quite a period of time. Upon retrieval it was decided that, in order to preserve Fuzz E. and his precious memory, he would be put into storage after this one last washing.

Entering The Final Frontier

An hour and a half later, and after one last sniff and hug, Fuzz E. Blanket was placed in his protective shroud, and sent on to The Final Frontier (a.k.a., the cedar chest). While Kiddo is sad, and a little nostalgic, he has declared himself ready to move on...as long as Fuzz E. Blanket can return to visit should the need ever arise.

Thank you for the love, care, and security you provided, Fuzz E. Blanket. You will be forever in these parents' debt!

A Frustrated American

Dear Congress,

This morning, as I sat at the breakfast table with my son, I saw a story on our local news that was unbelievable in its absurdity. You see, it concerned you...and the job that you are NOT performing.  The story stated that there could, quite possibly, be a delay in American citizens' ability to file their 2012 tax returns. Not because there isn't enough money for the refunds. No, nothing that difficult to contend with. The reason for this was given as a failure on YOUR part to come up with an Alternative Minimum Tax.

To this I ask, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Do you really mean to tell me that I may not be able to file my taxes, receive money due my family, because you all can't agree on a measly minimum tax amount?! This is ridiculous. You are grown men and women. I don't care if Snuffleupagus is President. It's time to get it together. Pull up your big girl &/or boy panties, AND WORK TOGETHER.  From birth on we are taught to tolerate one another and work together for the greater good in this great country. I do not, for one second, believe that any of Congress missed out on these crucial lessons. You were elected to serve the citizens of this country. Personal pride has no part in that.

Say I give you all the benefit of the doubt. Say it's not a partisan issue at all, but that Congress is, truly, so out of touch with what is happening in this country that no one on Capitol Hill has the first clue what the Alternative Minimum Tax should be. I've got a solution for you. Take your various entourages and go to your local grocery store. I don't care which one...Wal-Mart, Kroger, Meijers, any store will do. Now comes the hard part. WATCH. Really see what is going on around you. See how many people are paying with EBT cards. Watch exhausted women stand in the aisle, perplexed and trying to match coupons to products...then compare them to the store brands to see which is cheaper. As for those that aren't paying with EBT cards, pay attention to what they are paying with. How many are using credit cards? How many cash, check, or debit cards? You see, Congress, the only way for you to know what the Alternative Minimum Tax should be is to be aware of the livelihoods  of your constituents.

When I was young I remember seeing our elected Senators and Representatives frequently. They showed up for parades. They were IN grocery stores to shake hands, kiss babies, and talk to the people that put them in their prestigious position. They viewed their jobs with respect, and acted accordingly. Your position, as I understand it, is to be a voice for the people you represent, is it not? How can you possibly do that, if you never TALK to the people to know what their voice is saying?

Sincerely,

A Frustrated American

I am NOT a morning person....and, MUSIC MONDAY! (on Tuesday)

Yesterday marked the beginning of the youngest kiddo's third week back to school. Being a notorious night owl I find myself, quite predictably, dragging, lagging, and almost forcibly having to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. Since Kiddo's bus picks up prior to 7AM this had made getting a healthy breakfast crammed down his throat a difficult, and sometimes dangerous (Seriously, me operating a stovetop BEFORE coffee? That is the definition of dangerous!), activity.

In typical Super!Jenn fashion I turned to my ever trusty companions, Google and Pinterest, to save myself from possible dismemberment and death. The result? CROCKPOT BREAKFASTS!! I am LOVING some of these ideas that I've found lately. This morning's treat du jour? Apple Pie Breakfast...which was actually HEALTHY! Steel cut oats, apples, 100% apple juice, and water. A sprinkle of brown sugar in each bowl and MMMMMMMMMM!

A little side note, though: I read a lot of comments left by people whose oatmeal burned and/or hardened. To circumvent this I used my crockpot as a double boiler. Prepare the ingredients in a bowl that will sit easily inside your crockpot. Place either a couple of balls of foil or a canning jar ring in the bottom of the crock pot, sit the bowl inside, fill the crock pot with water until a little over half of the bowl is submerged. Then just cook overnight, and VOILA!

Oh, and if you want to follow me over on Pinterest feel free...just click here and I'll whisk you to my boards straight away!

Now for my Music Monday Tuesday. (See? I told you I was dragging and lagging!) Did you know that ZZ Top released a new album in June? *nods* Yep! I love these guys! Sure, their music is predictable, but you know what else? It's predictably GOOD. Here's one of the songs from Texicali (the new album)..."I Gotsta Get Paid". Oh, and the album is less than $5 over on iTunes, so go BUY it already!!

MUSIC MONDAY!!

Another song that seems to be permanently implanted in my brain. I miss this group, though, and hate that Scott Stapp's solo career didn't ever take off. A perfect example of the grass not always being greener, no?

MUSIC MONDAY!

Hey, y'all, Meet Virginia!

MUSIC MONDAY!

Because one can never have enough Billy Idol in this dreary life!

MUSIC MONDAY!

Words can never properly express how much I enjoyed growing up in the 80s. The music, the fashions, going to Heaven on the weekends to stock up on flair for our Levi's denim jackets. *sigh* I can haz time turner, pweez?

Cucumber Madness!

My garden is exceptionally prolific this year. We're sharing with neighbors, eating fresh veg daily, and I still find myself having to find creative ways to use up the supply we've been gifted with.

This post is revolving around cucumbers. We've already harvested well over a dozen of these beauties, and they aren't tiny either. The average cucumber harvested has been at least 10 inches in length. Now I love cucumbers, but just slicing them and eating them can get old. I turned to the ever-dependable Google and found this great recipe for Refrigerator Pickles!

Tuesday afternoon found me in the kitchen, slicing cucumbers and onions. Now I tend to be a little persnickety about my pickles. I like them to be uniform in thickness. Because of this I highly recommend using the Hold N Slice from Pampered Chef. Your slices will be the same thickness and you have a little help holding the veg steady while you slice! Plus it's under $5, and you just can't beat that.

After slicing and layering in a large glass bowl I mixed the rest of the ingredients in a sauce pan and brought it to a boil. I was out of celery seeds, and didn't relish the thought of an over 20 mile round trip to the store, so I just substituted with a double amount of celery salt, while reducing the salt amount by half. Then I poured the brine over the bowl ingredients, covered it tightly in plastic wrap, and nestled it safely in the back of the fridge.


The pickling process takes four days, so on Saturday afternoon I pulled out my pint canning jars and filled them with homemade pickle goodness! According to the recipe these will last for a month, refrigerated, making them a perfect choice for all of our upcoming cookouts. 

The finished product: 3 pints of scrumptious, sweet & spicy goodness!

Kelso Lace Cardigan

The Pattern! Kelso Lace Cardigan by Suzanne Frary.

I finally took the plunge! It's been just shy of 4 years since I added this pattern to my queue on Ravelry, and every year since I have looked longingly at it and thought to myself, "I need to find time to make this for myself." I could envision it with a great pair of jeans and boots. I could envision the color. What I couldn't envision was taking a time away from crafting for others to make something for ME.

Well, that's all changed now. I've been working my fingers raw on commission after commission for the better part of a year. I spend any free time I have away from commissions to build up my inventory for an upcoming arts & crafts show that I'm a vendor in. I'm rapidly burning out, and need something to revive my passion for fiber art.

The Yarn! KnitPicks CotLin DK in Pomegranate.

So, Sunday evening, when I perused my queue and saw this I jumped on it. I paid for and downloaded the pattern immediately, 'cause we all know that if you buy the pattern you're more likely to utilize it...you've already made an investment! This morning I ordered the yarn quantity I need for the sweater. I went with KnitPicks CotLin DK in Pomegranate. The cotton/linen blend should give a beautiful drape to this sweater, and will prevent the stretching that so often occurs. To compensate for the lack of give in the yarn I'm planning on using the 0 negative ease option. Let's face it, the lovely lady lumps are going to need all the room they can get, anyways!

Now all I have to do is wait. *twitches* Which I can do...I think...maybe...if I stay busy for the next 5-14 business days. *chews lip*

MUSIC MONDAY!

I just don't think you can get any better than Van Morrison. A true artist, whose music stands the test of time. I've even got an entire Pandora station centered around just his work! While this isn't my favorite song of his it fits my mood this manic monday.

Music Monday...I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Ahhhh. Stone Temple Pilots. 'Nough said.

Music Monday!

I know, I know. I've missed the past two Music Monday posts. Dontcha hate it when life interferes with what we enjoy...what we yearn to spend our time doing?

 I've spent a lot of time soul searching to rid myself of the exorbitant amount of stress constantly weighing me down lately. Maybe that's why I can't keep this song out of my mind. It's a favorite of mine from back in the day...and it's still one of my favorite groups. It reaches a part of me that I seem to keep hidden from the world, but one that needs to be released if I'm ever going to get myself over being Ms. Eager to Please!

Contemptible

This whole writing experiment thing is supposed to be about positives. Well...not today. Tuesday is being quite gruesome to me.

It's 9:30AM. I've already driven 100 miles today. This isn't all bad. The Hubster's old, faithful work car is having a little tantrum, so I had to drive him to my parents' house this morning to pick up on of their vehicles for the day. Usually he would've just taken my SUV to work, and I would've stayed home with no vehicle for a day. No biggie for this gal. Our oldest is home from college, however, and had to work today...smack dab in the middle of The Hubster's shift, so I had to have a vehicle. After snagging some biscuits for breakfast and dropping the hubby off I headed back home to get the boys up and get the oldest delivered to work.

Did I mention that it is raining, none too gently, this morning?

After getting home and cramming biscuits in our face we left for our work drop-off run. Here is where the day went straight to Hades without passing "Go!". We got less than a mile down the road from our home and witnessed an assault. Yep. Two grown men (though acting like this in public makes me loathe to call them men). Screaming at each other, and one of them swinging a baseball bat at the other, hitting his car door and being very threatening. Other grown "men" (again, this is used as loosely as possible) were blocking the road in vehicles, and even standing around watching with their hands in their pockets...AND DOING NOTHING! This is the most despicable display of morality I have seen in quite some time. My 12-year old is terrified. He's asked me to keep the door shut and the alarm set at the house today, just so he can feel safe. A child that young should have NEVER:

1. Had to witness a display of violence between adults who are supposed to know the heck better.
2. Had to witness bystanders ALLOWING the violence, with no one stepping up to the plate to protest or put a stop to it.

Way to let a CHILD know that they aren't safe in their own towns, imbeciles. Way to let a CHILD know that, when they grow up, there is a good chance that when someone gets angry with them that they will be hit with a friggin' BAT. So, since I know that people that live around me read these posts. Since I know that there is a good chance that one or more of them know the people involved in this incident. I'm going to go on the record and say this:

TO THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THIS INCIDENT, WHETHER YOU WERE WIELDING A BAT, SCREAMING, BLOCKING TRAFFIC, OR JUST STANDING AROUND WATCHING.

YOU ARE CONTEMPTIBLE. 

SHAME ON YOU. 

GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR RESPECTIVE REAR ENDS AND LEARN TO NEGOTIATE ANGER WITH WORDS, NOT VIOLENCE.

SET THE EXAMPLES YOU, OBVIOUSLY, MISSED OUT ON AS CHILDREN AND PUT AN END TO THIS TYPE OF IDIOTIC DISPLAY.

REALIZE THAT YOUR CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN, ETC., ARE LEARNING BY YOUR EXAMPLE, AND THE ONE YOU ARE SETTING IS REPREHENSIBLE.

Now that I've gotten this off of my chest it's time for me to log off. I have a 12-year old with serious emotional trauma to tend to. Thanks for that, you moronic scumbags.

Insert Catchy Blog Post Title Here...

Because I'm too sleepy to come up with one on my own. The Hubster and I had a great, fun-filled, weekend getaway to Cincinnati. We stayed in a full service hotel, so we didn't have to lift a finger. We just left the SUV with the valets and walked everywhere. We ingested WAYYYYY too much junky ballpark food. The Reds won (GO REDS!!), the weather was perfect, and the stress just kind of melted away.

Soon to be wall color in our guest room!

We're back home, now, and thus the work begins. I'm letting The Hubster sleep in a bit, right now, since we were up until after 1AM with post-trip hyperactivity. As soon as I finish this, however, I've got to get him awake and fed. Today we set the posts to move our outdoor building to a better spot. Right now the silly thing is about 4-feet off the ground, with stairs to get into it. Not optimal for storing lawnmowers and ATVs, huh? Since I'm helping him set the posts I'm enlisting his help this afternoon in doing paint prep in the oldest kiddo's room. (I need to come up with something else to call him now, since he'll be 21 in 7 months - perhaps man-child? - but, I digress.) He's coming home from college Friday, and I'm hoping to have his room painted beforehand. Keep you fingers crossed for me, as I'm attempting to cover a red wall with a sea glass colored paint (if you don't know what color that is, check out the image on this post!).

Oh, and I'm soooo proud of myself. I got everything from the trip unpacked and put up last night! No small feat, I assure you. Here's the way our evening played out, after we got home yesterday:

1. Arrive home at 5PM.
2. Throw the luggage in the house, all while yelling at the youngest kiddo to get his baseball gear on. (Game was at 6PM, but batting practice was due to start at 5:15)
3. Pack a cooler of water, strawberries, and pineapple (and Gatorade for the ball player!) to snack on. 
4. Make a couple of travel mugs of coffee to keep us coherent.
5. Dash out the door, making it to the ball field just in time for warm-ups at 5:45PM (WOOPS! Missed batting practice, but at least he got there, right?).
6. Tell the coach that we'll be back, then run up to my Parentals' house to retrieve our dog and the youngest kiddo's gear from his stay (This included a middle of the road, Chinese Firedrill that was giggle-inducing!).
7. Dash back to the game with the dog, arriving at 6:30PM.
8. We won the game by mercy rule, so we were done at 7:40PM, at which time we had to head to the store to pick up sandwich making goodies for dinner (What? Like I was going to cook after all of this?!).
9. Arrive home just before 9PM. The Hubster got sandwich stuff out and ready, I put groceries up and unpacked, and the kiddo did his chores and took a shower.

See what I mean? Now you know why The Hubster and I were up until 1AM...it took as that long to wind down! Well, it looks like it's time to dash. Got egg whites and crumpets to nom, work clothes to don, cement and paint to buy, a garden to fertilize, posts to set, and paint prep to do. Crikey, I'm tired just thinking about it!

Music Monday!

There's no real reason behind this song. No hidden importance in my life. I simply woke up with it running through my mind.

Abracadabra, Presto, KAZAM!!

Utter Clutter, Batman!

Around this time last year we redecorated our living room. The Hubster moved his gargantuan television to the wall above our fireplace to help make a feasible floor plan, and I built melamine shelves in the little niche beside the fireplace to house all of the electronic must-haves that attach to the television. We were delighted for the shelves, save for one aspect. Board game storage was below the shelves and, while we always keep it neat it just made everything look cluttered!

Then, around June last year, the retail store The Hubster works for was doing a HUGE drapery reset. This meant that all of the floor samples were being replaced. Rather than throw these samples away the store decided to hold a silent auction on all of them, with the proceeds going to a children's charity. Ummm...all that fabric? Yeah, I drooled a bit (okay, more than a bit, but I have some pride!) and begged The Hubster to bid on my behalf. He did. We won. I was the proud owner of hundreds of drapery samples. The possibilities were infinite! To date these samples have made a panel for an odd, octagonal window in my bathroom, been shared with, and inspired a living room and dining room redo, for my mother and father; and, now, utilized to hide my tidy yet cluttered board game storage area!

This is REALLY about to happen!

The only problem was how to hang it. We bought a dowel rod, but couldn't figure out how to secure it under the shelf properly so that the brackets didn't show and there was no gap between the shelves and the curtain. This past week The Hubster and I were cleaning at my parents house and I was hanging things in a newly reformatted closet in their guest room. I saw the closet bars and had a EUREKA! moment. I asked my father if just the closet bars and brackets were available for purchase, as they were part of a kit. He wasn't sure, and I went about my cleaning with my brain hard at work planning on finding a time to head to the home improvement store and see what I could find. A few minutes later, bless his heart, he came downstairs and presented me with a package of the coveted closet bars and brackets! They were left over, and he had no use for them. Gee, you think I was excited?

The Hubster, hard at work on
his Honey-Do List!

Yesterday was the first day of The Hubster's first vacation of the year. We're heading to Cincinnati tomorrow morning bright and early for our first childless and petless anniversary trip since June of 1999! WOO-HOO!! Just a quick, weekend jaunt to a baseball game (Go, Reds!) and a nice hotel. We'll be back Monday, and are planning on spending the rest of the week getting some things done around the house that have piled up. You know the things I'm talking about...getting the fireplace cleaned up and the damper closed for summer, fixing squeaky doors and leaky faucets, some painting, and the doozy - moving our outdoor building to a lower location and fixing the floor. After we had an unexpected free day this morning, thanks to thunderstorms and a cancelled ballgame for our youngest kiddo, we decided to go ahead and tackle the curtain project. I headed to the sewing machine to cut and hem the drapery sample to the correct length, and The Hubster got busy cutting the metal bars to length and attaching the brackets under the edge of the shelves.

The whole project, from the gathering phase to the finished product, took about an hour. We're both absolutely tickled with the results, and unbelievably enough we did the entire thing without one loss of temper on either side! Now THAT is proof that it was a truly magical project!!

Abracadabra, Presto, KAZAM!!
Utter Clutter, you have been puttered!!!

That Bud Made Me Blossom!

No...not that type of bud. Seriously, people, minds out of the gutter! I meant a tiny, early bud on one of the tomato plants in our little garden. I wasn't feeling the best yesterday. The pollen counts are skyrocketing which makes me feel like I've got the flu. I ache in every joint, my facial skeleton feels like it's being pulled apart from the inside out, my head throbs, and I'm in the negative on energy. Needless to say, those things tend to have the same soul-sucking technique as Dementors.

I hadn't been able to water the garden for a couple of days. A cold front had gone through and, had I watered the plants, they would have frozen. Yesterday the front broke. It was warm and there was a little sun, though storms were moving in. I looked out the patio door and the sight of my beautiful plants almost broke my heart. They just looked to droopy and sad! Jenn to the rescue!! I quickly armed myself with a watering can and large bucket of water, and out the door I went.

A return trip for another bucket of water later found my plants reaching for the heavens once again. While I'd been out watering our Boxer, Lucy, and her next-door pal (also a Boxer), Rose, had been running around me playing.  Dashing in and out of the house, yipping; basically, doing anything possible to entertain me during what they deemed a very boring job. It was far from boring. I absolutely love the feel of working with the earth. To grow and sustain life, then use it to feed my family. It's beauty in its truest form. At that moment I felt like nothing could make me any more peaceful, serene and relaxed than I was. Then? I noticed it. At the top of the largest tomato plant we had purchased, a Mr. Stripey Heirloom that the hubster fell in love with. A bud! Just over a week after placing the plant!!

That, gentle readers, is what life is all about. The explanation of the answer "42", for those of you bibliophile sci-fi geeks like me. To me, that is what we are all meant to do! Plant seeds, whatever type you like. If you want to write? Plant a writing seed. Dance? Plant a dancing seed! Tend to it. Weed out anything that threatens to steal its nutrients. Water it. Cultivate it to make sure that its roots are getting what they need. It won't take long and you'll have a tiny bud. A little while after that the bud will turn to a blossom. Keep at it and (yep...you guessed it!) that blossom will turn into the sweetest, most succulent fruit you could ever imagine.

Don't Delude Yourself, It's Really Just Martyrdom

I can't believe how easy it's become, over my years as a wife and mother, to sacrifice myself for "the greater good". This greater good has come to mean many things. For example, do I wash the dishes or take a shower? Hmmm, it would be selfish to take a shower. Dishes it is! What IS that? Why do we, as women, do this to ourselves? I've spent the better part of two years now trying to break this insane habit, and I'm pleased as punch to report that it finally seems to be working.

Ironically enough I just found my writing time interrupted by a dog who, though she's already been outside once today, began whimpering as if the dam of her bladder were about to burst. True to what I have forced myself to become I found myself getting up from the keyboard to let her out. It IS the greater good, after all, right? Guess what? I STOPPED MYSELF! That's right, folks, I didn't cave in. This is MY writing time. Fifteen minutes out of my morning where I can focus on me and not what everyone else needs. I may have a pouting pooch now, but by golly gee she can wait.

Things are definitely changing for the better in my mind. It's no longer a struggle to choose to wash my face, brush my teeth, exercise, and eat breakfast before doing chores. I can see now that the chores will still be there when I'm done, and that I will be better off physically, emotionally, AND spiritually for taking care of myself. The chores will actually go by quicker, as I'm not bogged down by anxiety that I tell myself I have no clue where it comes from. If I'm brutally honest with myself I can admit that the anxiety has always been caused by my conscience telling me that I'm ignoring something very important.

It's not all kicks and giggles, though. It's hard on me to focus on myself. I've always been one to try to please others. The simple truth is that I'm having to learn, on hurdle at a time, that pleasing myself is just as important. If someone else has to wait a little longer than they'd like for me to finish something for them? It just has to be that way. I know this. Really, I do. The guilt that I feel, though, isn't diminished by that knowledge. I've spent so much of my life being Little Miss Eager to Please that it's very difficult to switch my way of thinking. I have to, though. Because the fact is that this "greater good" I've used to deny myself for all of these years? Yeah. It's not what I thought it was. Turns out it was just a one way ticket to martyrdom. A place where I sacrifice everything about me to soothe my own feelings of guilt, all the while creating a league of greedy monsters in my life who think that my only function is to produce for them. I've created a life where I exist solely for the use of others.

So what now? An inch at a time. Slowly clawing my way through the ridiculous restrictions I've buried myself in. Demanding that I give myself what has been so freely given to others for much too long. Remembering what a kick ass gal I was before I gave myself over to martyrdom, and keeping my inner eye on that goal when it would be oh-so-much easier to give in and not face the spoils of what I've created in the world around me. I'll do it, no doubt about that. And I'm absolutely positive that, once I get there, that I'll never leave again.

The Writing Experiment

Late Night Jammy Knitting

I've read over the years that journaling is a good way to beat stress in one's life. We could all use a little stress relief, right? So I figure what the hee-haw, I'll give it a go!  I shall dub thee, "The Writing Experiment"...

I have a 15 minute window every morning where the kiddo has gotten on the school bus, the hubster is on his way to work and not in cell phone range to call me, and I am quiet and alone. It's my coffee time. My time to think about what I need to accomplish for the day versus what I want to accomplish for the day. Why not take that time, instead, to write about something positive? To give myself a little gift of a happy thought before I tackle dirty dishes, messes left for me to discover, and the age-old question of what the heck to wear!

Last night I stayed up when everyone else went to bed. I felt like I needed to get a certain portion of a pattern repeat done on one of my current commissions, just so I could feel on top of it. About 11:30 found me curled up in my spot on the sofa, comfy jammies on, television off (for once!), with my knitting in hand. A little Van Morrison on Ye Olde iPhone and I was set!

It was only an hour. A tiny speck of time in my day. Yet about halfway through the time I realized just how wonderful it was. No one needing me for anything. I could work at my pace without having to stop, get up, and take care of someone else's needs or wants. It was quiet. No television blaring, drowning out my thoughts and reflections (have I mentioned that, outside of my handful of shows, I'm really not a TV person?). It was peaceful. No conversations to keep up with. For that stretch of time I was completely and totally MYSELF. It's amazing how little you get to do that as a wife and mother. Just give yourself over to yourself, focus solely on what you want to do.

I didn't get much accomplished in my hour. I met my goal - a quarter of a pattern repeat. I thought, at first, of shooting for half of a pattern repeat. Then a mis-stitch in the first row resulted in my having to frog and rework said row. After fixing that I realized that knitting wasn't my main goal in deciding to stay up and knit. Having some quiet to unwind and not worry about anything was. So I stuck with the original idea of a quarter of a repeat, finished it up, and went to bed.

I went to sleep much easier than normal. The ever-present tension in my neck and shoulders was on a much lower scale. My over-stressed brain wasn't making lists of what needed to be done today. I may not have gotten enough sleep (5 hours isn't enough, let's face it!). I may have started my day off as chock full of stress as usual (The hubster hitting his snooze for an hour, the kiddo being unable to use any motor skills other than that of rapid-fire speech, the dog whining to go out, etc.). But it was still different. I was looking forward to my 15 minute window for writing. All so I could share my hour of blissful, peaceful solitude.